Saturday, January 05, 2013

Internal Conflict: Why is It So Dadgum HAARD!?

Romans 7:15 (or a perfect description of my internal conflict)

15I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 

And then, Romans 7: 19-25

19For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
21So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; 23but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. 24What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? 25Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!

Argh!  Here is what I know:

1.  I am responsible for what my children eat and when they eat.  They are in charge of how much they eat.  

But.  .  . at the end of the day, I just want calm more than anything else.  I don't want to struggle with my kids at supper time.  I just want to feed them something they will eat without complaining.  I want dinner time to happen quickly and without incident.

2.  Snacking should be healthy.  Oreos are not healthy, and therefore, are not a good snack (neither are No Bake Cookies.  Darn you, Brad Denton for making them on Wednesday night.  Fortunately, or unfortunately they were gone by Thursday night :-/).  

But.  .  .then I want quick and easy and I'm stressed and the only thing that sounds good is chocolate (and not just one little bite of dark chocolate.  I want melt in your mouth goodness).  I want the crunch of chips--with a Coke, a real one with sugar and no nutrients.

3.  Healthy eating requires a good plan and food prep ahead of time (see note about how Oreos are not a health food even though they are easy).

But.  .  . I am so tired, and I want to rest.  And it is more embarrassing to send my children to school in stained clothing than to send them to school with Fruit Loops as a snack.  And my bathrooms are dirty, and I can't stand dirty dishes.  And I can't chop vegetables for those healthy snacks until my sink is clean--with bleach.  And did I mention I'm tired.

4.   I should work out at least 4-5 times a week.  When I do work out, it feels good, relieves my stress, and makes me healthier.

But.  .  . I want a nap.

5.  Eating healthy food makes me feel better than eating unhealthy food does.

But.  .  . unhealthy food is easy.  And for some reason it satisfies some longing inside me.

6.  When my prayer life and Bible reading life are good, my life is more centered and my decisions are more pure.

But.  .  . have I mentioned I'm tired?

7.  Cokes take calcium from my bones and are not good for my kidneys.  They also are full of calories and sugar.

But.  .  . Oh my goodness!  That sound a Coke makes when you open it!  The sizzle it makes as it goes down your gullet.  Oh Nectar of the gods!

I stand in the way of my good decisions, but why?  I know what to do.  I have read books.  I know how to maintain healthy blood sugar levels.  I know that Zumba makes me feel fabulous afterwards.  Why then is it so hard to go?  Why did I have to force myself to go today?

As I was Zumbaing today and then lifting weights afterwards (I was sooooo good today), I determined that in order to be consistent, I am going to have to do some things:

1.  Plan.  I know from being a teacher that a good plan is essential.  For me it makes me sane, helps me with classroom management, and lets my students know we are heading in a direction (not just wandering aimlessly in the land of language arts).  So here's my plan for next week:
  • I will continue with the One Year Bible, but I will read it before my nightly novel reading.
  •  I will pray after I do my Bible reading and my prayers will focus on my family and my church family's needs.  I will also pray about my success with my goals and that they are God's goals.
  • Monday will be Jami day-- I will work out, and I will attend the accountability group at the Y.            Brad will cook supper and tend to the children for me.
  • I will also do strength training on Tuesday after the kids go to bed and cardio on Wednesday right after school.  I will pack clothes to go to the Y on Wednesday.
  • We will leave right after school every day, so that my children can have a healthy snack at home and time to play outside.  I will be present with them while they play, and I will enjoy them.
  • Monday will be taco night, Tuesday will be an e-meals night, Wednesday will be vegetables and sandwiches, Thursday will be e-meals, and Friday will be vegetables and sandwiches.
  • I will get carrots, celery, and peppers at the grocery store because my children will snack on them (and so will I).
  • I will continue to have water before school, to limit my coffee intake, and this week, I will only have Cokes every other day (Yikes!).  I will not snack unless it is a fruit or a vegetable.

2.  Change my identity.  We were talking about reading in my class this week, and one of the students said, "How do you find time to read?"  And I don't know--I just do.  I'm a reader so I read.  I don't think about it.  I just read every night, and I have for most of my life.  I need to be a healthy person.  It needs to be my identity, and I need to help my children to have this identity like my parents help me to have a reader identity.  It needs to not be what I struggle against, but who I am.  I need to remember daily that it feels good to be healthy.

3.  Pray and have others pray for me.  I know that when my prayer life is good and active, I make positive changes in my life.  

So God, please "rescue me from this body of death."  I need it :-). 


CLCook said...

Good for you! What is e-meals by the way?

Jami said...

For a fee, emealz sends you a meal plan, recipes, and grocery list. Look it up. I'm borrowing a friend's list this week to see if I like it or not before I spend the money.