Most of my life I have been a huge goal setter. I used to set goals, put them on index cards, and tape them to my mirror so I would see them every morning. Every night I would pray over the goals and give myself a mental (and hypercritical) update. I would try to do crazy things like only eat 1,000 calories a day. And then when I would fail miserably, I would feel miserable. So a few years ago, I quit goal setting cold turkey. It wasn't a conscious decision. It just kind of happened. I had just had a baby and I was happy. For the first time in my life, I felt truly content and OK with myself. I didn't want to mess it up with stupid goals.
Then along came Logan. Sweet, cuddly Logan, who was a fabulous sleeper and eater. Who was the perfect baby, until--ear infections. Then my sweet, cuddly fabulous sleeper and eater became a challenging baby, and my life was spent trying unsuccessfully to help him to be comfortable and to sleep. It was also spent eating--a lot. I didn't really gain a whole lot of weight, but I didn't loose any of my substantial baby weight either (let me write that in capital letters, SUBSTANTIAL BABY WEIGHT). I was kind of maintaining.
But again, my life was full to the brim with being a mother. When you have a baby who wakes up every hour screaming, well, your personal stuff just has to be put to the side. In a way, I lost myself. It was necessary. For a period of time, I needed to be totally focussed on my kiddos.
Over Christmas, I realized something. I WAS SLEEPING!! Finally, Logan, Brad, and I had achieved a huge success: Logan was sleeping through the night (it was a group effort). With sleep came clarity. I have spent 4 years totally immersing myself into my children. It was a necessary and important immersion. They needed me desperately (and I LOVED being that needed), but now, they are striving to be their own people. They don't need me as much. Oh, I still make the best peanut butter sandwiches, and I am the only one who knows the secret location of the diaper bag (under the kitchen counter) and the tape (in the junk drawer), but I have a lot more free time now. Time I could/can use to get a little of me back.
So without further adieu here's the list of things Jami is going to do to reclaim herself this year:
1. Lose this freaking baby weight (and this weight is totally not Logan's fault. It is totally the fault of a Dunkin Donuts being built on my way to school--and maybe my own decisions). I have had the goal to lose weight before, but that goal usually came from the place of self-yuck-feelingness. Now, I don't feel like a horrible human being because my waistline is larger than I would like. I just want to be able to fit into my cool, smaller-sized pants in the back of my closet, and (this is the big one) I want to be able to play with my grandchildren one day. I really want to be a cool grandma, and to be that, I have to get healthier, and to get healthier, I have got to get my large behind off of this incredibly comfortable couch.
2. Get my feet back. Somewhere along the way, I have REALLY let my feet go. Emma is soooo bothered by my cracking heels. She gives me daily updates and encourages me to moisturize. I figure if my 4-year-old has noticed my gnarly feet, maybe I should do something about them. Really, they are just a symbol of how I have let myself go. Really? I don't have time to slather lotion on my feet? So today, I painted my toenails. Emma approves. I also bought new socks. They are actually made for women and they did not come in a pack of 100. Let the Heaven's rejoice!
3. Daily Bible Reading. I know from times in my life when I have been a daily Bible reader that being Spiritually intune with God makes my life better. It fortifies my soul and gives me strength. Just like I have let my waistline go and my feet go, I have put my Spiritual life on auto-pilot. This year, I am going to feast on God's word. I want to have a family who loves the Lord, and I desperately want to have all of us in Heaven together one day. I know that in order for that goal to be met, I myself have to have a wonderful relationship with God. So I'm going to read the Bible. And I'm on day 15, and I have to say, I am loving it!! I have never done the One Year Bible before, but it is excellent. And I am reading the New Living Translation, and so the language feels different(ly?) than what I have read before. Plus, I am older and a parent, so I am reading it through new eyes. Weren't those Old Testament people HORRIBLE? My goodness!
4. Not yelling unless someone is in danger or I am cheering someone's success. I don't yell often. I'm a pretty even-keeled person. I like my life and I enjoy it--most of the time. However, when I am upset, I AM REALLY UPSET. It is NOT pretty, people. I have told Emma that if she will work on whining, I will work on yelling--and like the feet thing, she is really holding me to it. So I am going to enjoy my life, calmly address things that are upsetting to me, and not let things fester to an overwhelming point.
And while I'm at these, I'm going to go to bed at a decent hour, beat Shelley Woodward at Scrabble, blog more often, and floss :-).